I am

Looking back, my poem from June 11, 2012

I Am

I am a wife and a friend
I wonder if we will have a family
I hear the hum of the fan
I see light peaking through the blinds
I want a large family
I am a wife and a friend

I pretend my father is on a long vacation
I feel like I need to hold my breath
I touch the sun shining through the window
I worry about letting my husband down
I cry for the children we can’t have
I am a wife and a friend

I understand God has a plan
I say I must be here for a reason
I dream about my husband being a father
I try to always lend a helping hand
I hope to be a mom
I am a wife and a friend

What’s changed…..

I am still a wife and a friend but, now I can add that: I am a mom, blessed and (I don’t get emotional now when I mention) I’m infertile.

We do have a family. A start of one. As someone who always wanted a large family I wonder if God has any more little ones in our future but I don’t dwell on it every second and it doesn’t bring me to tears.

I now hear the hum of lullabies, our little one blabbering and making noises on/with everything he comes across and these sounds melt my heart.

I see toys, books, burp rags, laundry to fold, dishes to do and I’m content. My to do list has more than quadrupled and with time it will get done. I admit that a lot of time I would rather forget about most of it and just hang with Mateus.

I want a happy home, full of people and love. This can be our family, extended family and friends. Currently we live far from our close family and friends but maybe that will change in the future.

I still miss my dad, I think about how much fun he’d have with Mateus and know he’d be honored that his middle name is in his honor. If he were alive he’d be sharing our journey with everyone. Seeing God’s hand in this adoption has been such a gift. It’s not very often we get to witness a miracle.

I feel like I want to pause time, enjoy Mateus being a baby and freeze these moments. He’s grown and changed so much in the past (almost) 7 months.

I worry about contact with his birthmom, (I am hopeful that being in contact will that make it easier on her), I worry that our open communication could be harder, I don’t want to make anything harder on her. I love that when she says she’s missing him I can send her a picture and she knows he is ok, loved and being cared for but I can only imagine how hard it must be on her.

I cry when I think of where we were last year at this time, hopeless and devastated such a reminder that so much of life is temporary.

I’ve seen that God has a plan and I’m excited to see what our next chapter will bring. There’s talk and plans starting to be made about moving. Where will we go? On a new adventure or revisit old stomping grounds? We shall see.

I know we’ve endured the path we have for a reason and I will not forget the journey we’ve had. While it was beyond painful I can not imagine our lives without Mateus and had we taken another route we wouldn’t have him.

Seeing my husband as a father has been magical. I never would have imagined, it brings tears to my eyes watching him hold him for the first time, fall in love with him in a matter of seconds and now playing together. It is such a joy for me!

I still try to lend a helping hand when needed but Mateus is my first priority. I quit a part time job and don’t volunteer like I use to for various projects, activities, etc. But I’ll make stuff at home for them, offer lot’s of suggestions and when we’re able to make donations.

I am a mom, yes and adoptive mom but a mom none the less. I say it like that because I recently had some moms who’ve had children and adopted children tell me that they don’t feel the bond with their adopted child. I would rather have Mateus and the bond that I have with him versus not have him at all. I don’t know about the difference between natural children and adopted children but I will say Mateus has my whole heart, there is nothing I wouldn’t do for him. He is my greatest joy and I am thankful that I get to be his “adoptive” mom.

A lot of changes have happened since the I Am poem. What a journey it has been. We went through heartache and hell getting to where we’ve ended up. Happier than we ever could have imagined and overjoyed that our little miracle is here.

My heart breaks for those on the infertility journey, it sucks. I’m sorry if you’re going through it. My prayers are with you.

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2 thoughts on “I am

  1. One of the greatest blessings of journaling and/or blogging is to look back after a time and see where you once were…and who you once were…and it puts life in perspective. Our trials don’t ever really go away, but if we choose to, we grow from them and arrive in a better place.

    I’m so happy for you that you’ve been to hell and back and now have a little piece of heaven in your home. Your joy is only as deep as the pain it took to get to that point.


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